Ask a Science Fiction Character: Colonel Tigh

This will be a semi-regular feature on this here blog.  Because I am a very powerful and influential man, I am able to get a few well known science fiction characters to come by and offer their advice to readers.

For our first edition we are very fortunate to have Battlestar Galactica's Colonel Saul Tigh.  He has selected some reader questions from the thousands upon thousands that were sent in.  His exceptionally sensitive and thoughtful answers are what follow.

Dear Colonel Tigh,

I'm at the end of my rope.  My neighbour in the apartment below me is complaining about noise, and no matter what I do it seems like nothing will keep her off my back.  I have tried wearing slippers, turning the TV down, and walking more softly.  I've even stopped using the dishwasher (which she claims she can hear).  She still complains about stomping and other loud noises above her.  I don't know what else to do.  It is impossible to reason with her.  Please help.

- Quiet as a Mouse

Dear Quiet,

You gotta be frakkin' kidding me!  This is your home, not a frakkin' funeral parlour!  Here's what you do.  Throw the frakkin' slippers in the trash, start running your dishwasher all day and all night, and stomp around the place as loud as you can.  When that miserable tramp comes up to complain, you tell her to frak right off and go back to her dungeon unless she wants to see what you're like when you're really frakkin' angry.  If that doesn't work, drag her sorry ass down to the airlock.

- Col. Saul Tigh

Dear Colonel Tigh,

I am a 32-year-old single mother of a teenager, and I have been dating a great guy for the past year. He is my age and has no kids. Most of my relationships haven't lasted more than a few months. This guy is perfect in many respects. He constantly tells me he loves me, gets along with my son, helps me around my house, plans his weekends to include me, and has introduced me to his family. The problem is that in the past year he has never bought me flowers. I know it may seem petty, but it's something I think shows a woman that a man was thinking about her throughout the day and that he appreciates her. I have mentioned to him how much this bothers me, but it doesn't seem to change. Should I be concerned?

- Flowerless

Dear Flowerless,

What is it with you women and flowers?  You think we've got some kind of arboretum growing under our bunks?  "Oh woe is me, my boyfriend is perfect in every frakkin' way except he doesn't spend his hard-earned pay on a bunch of dead frakkin' plants!"  What a bunch of crap.  You want frakkin' flowers?  Buy them yourself, and thank the Gods this man hasn't left your sorry ass.

- Col. Saul Tigh

Dear Colonel Tigh,

More than 10 years ago, when I was a recent college graduate, I stole about $3,000 from my employer. I was fired for this action, and the police were called to investigate. I lawyered up, and since there was relatively little evidence, the matter was dropped. I have never admitted the theft to anyone. I have maintained with family and friends that while I was a bad employee and deserved to be fired, I did not commit a crime. I know that this is not true and have always felt very guilty about being a dishonest person. I have since gone on to get a masters' degree, become a teacher, and have a family. I do my best to be a good person now, but I still cannot shake the feelings of guilt over this incident. Obviously, I don't want to go to jail, and an arrest would ruin my current life. But how can I move on emotionally from this incident and its influence on how I see myself today?

- Trying to do Right

Dear Trying,

My Gods you people are frakked in the head!  You're still wracked with guilt over some small-time crap you pulled when you were a nugget?  Give me a frakkin' break.  You know how many terrible things I've done?  You know how many men and women who've died under my command?  I had to kill my own frakkin' wife for frak's sake!  I am tortured by it all every Gods damned day of my frakkin' miserable life, but you know what I do?  I get up, put on my uniform, and do my frakkin' job.  You won't catch me moaning about it to some frakkin' online advice columnist, Gods dammit.  Frakkin' pathetic is what you are.

- Col. Saul Tigh

Dear Colonel Tigh,

In the last few months, my husband just hasn't been the same person. He started losing weight and dropped 60 pounds. Kudos for him! Then one day, I came across him exchanging instant messages with one of his former girlfriends. I let it go. About a month later I found a message on his Facebook account from her. He said he had no idea what it was all about. I knew he was lying, but I let that go as well. A month or so later, I decided to look at our phone bill. He and his ex had been communicating for months, after he told me he hadn't talked to her on the phone. The phone bill shows they talk multiple times a day. I finally told him that in order for me to trust him again, he needs to cut all ties with her, but he continues to talk to her and lie to me. Am I out of line for asking him to stop talking to her?

- Fed Up

Dear Fed,

Are you serious?  You're a frakkin' moron.  He's frakkin' another woman right under your frakkin' nose, and here you are asking me what to do?  What kind of Gods damned idiots write into this thing?  Frak all you people.  If you're too frakkin' stupid to help yourselves, I sure as hell won't.  I can't believe I agreed to this nonsense in the first place.  I'm going to have a drink.  You can all go frak yourselves for all I care.

- Col. Saul Tigh

Wasn't that delightful?  Thanks again to the Colonel for his guest appearance.  Next month we will have an entirely different science fiction character answering our reader questions.  If you have a question for our mystery guest, please post it here in the comments.

Oh, and I know that Colonel Tigh doesn't appear in this picture, but I felt compelled to post it here anyway.