Ask a Science Fiction Character: Benjamin Linus

In honour of the final season of Lost, this month's guest advice columnist is the notorious Ben Linus.  Ben has been one of the most powerful forces on The Island, and though many may disagree with his methods (or, really, everything he's ever done) you can't argue with the results ... oh wait, maybe you can argue with the results.  Anyway, I'll stop now and get on with the questions and answers.



Dear Ben,

My husband and I are embarking on a weight-loss regime not for health reasons but for our respective careers. Although we are both "festively plump," as Cartman would say, we've been able to maintain rewarding careers, and we are great networkers.

We have this sinking feeling that we'll reach a "cellulite ceiling" as our careers progress. I think I've already been passed over on a promotion because of my size-16 frame, which is illegal but still "done."

My question is this: Psychologically speaking, is it OK to focus on weight loss exclusively for our careers? Are we demented to think that we cannot succeed because of our expanded waistlines? Will we have negative repercussions? What if we don't get that bigger job? What if things stay the same but we just happen to be thinner?

- Plump and Puzzled

Dear Plump,

I'm afraid I don't have much experience with being fat, or with having a career, but I do know a great deal about gaining the respect and trust of others.  You need to forget all about your weight problems and focus on manipulating the people involved in your career.  Fear and confusion are the best tools you have.  It may be a good idea to find the person most likely to get promoted ahead of you, and publically humiliate them.  You could also try finding the one person they care about most and imply that you are going to murder them if they don't co-operate.  Of course, murdering your rival outright is always an option, but this should be your last resort, and in some cases it doesn't even work (don't get me started).  After that, it won't matter if you're fat.  Everyone will either fear you, or be too confused to object to your rise to power.

Warm regards,

Ben Linus


Dear Ben,


I mentioned to my husband that his father needed a haircut, and then (just to be funny) I mentioned that his dad's curly hair resembles his grandma's (standard older lady) 'do. So what does my husband do, but say to his dad at Sunday dinner, "Hey Dad, some people at church think you need a haircut, because you and Grandmother have the same hairdo." Then he proceeds to say it was ME. His family is fairly unbuttoned, and his mom and grandma laughed hysterically, but I think it made my father-in-law unhappy. Obviously, now I know never to say anything to my husband that I don't want repeated. But how do I apologize? (My observation was pretty accurate.)

- Hair Police

Dear Hair,

You have nothing to apologize for.  If the man needs a haircut, he should get a haircut.  You did him a favour by pointing out this obvious and correctable shortcoming to him.  I am more concerned about your husband's betrayal.  You spoke to him in confidence.  He needs to be taught a lesson.  If you don't already have a jail cell in your basement or out-building, now would be a good time to have one constructed.  I would also get started on planning ways to undermine his relationship with his family.

Best wishes,

Ben Linus


Dear Ben,

I've been married to my husband for a few years, and we lived together before that. Early in our relationship, I went to happy hour with some co-workers and due to too much alcohol, I had an indiscretion with a co-worker. (We did not consummate the act.) Afterward, I quit my job so that I would not have to deal with the fallout. I never told my then-boyfriend, now-husband, because he always said that cheating would mean he would break up with me on the spot. We are happily married and have a wonderful child; life is good. But I still feel tremendous guilt, not just over my indiscretion, but because I wonder if I "tricked" him into marrying me. Had I been honest, he might not have married me, which would make our entire marriage a sham to him. Should I tell him now so that he knows I am 100 percent honest with him? Or should I keep it to myself because it would just create jealousy and mistrust where none should exist?

- Truth Shall Set You Free?

Dear Truth,

Some secrets, such as, for example, the fact that you may or may not have murdered one or more members of your family, or the fact that the girl who thinks she's your daughter was actually stolen from a French woman, or the fact that you are not a man who crash landed in a baloon, should never be revealed.  As for the guilt, that is something you will have to find a way to cope with.  Supressing it deep within you where it transforms to hatred and cruelty is usually the best choice.

Kind regards,

Ben Linus


Dear Ben,

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than two years. This year I thought it would be wonderful to host a dinner party and have both our immediate families meet. I invited both his parents and siblings and mine. His father decided to invite his own brother (my boyfriend's uncle), who I had not planned on having. My boyfriend's uncle is fond of guns and likes to carry at least one everywhere he goes. This makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I don't even want to have this dinner party anymore. I asked my boyfriend to speak to his uncle and let him know that weapons of any kind will not be allowed into our home, but I don't think this man will listen. He displays antisocial behavior, and truthfully, he scares me. I hate the fact that he will be in my home, possibly interacting with my family. I only accepted that he was coming out of respect to my boyfriend and his father, otherwise this is not the type of individual I would ever want to have any contact with. What can I do?

- Extremely Concerned


Dear Extremely,

If this man makes you uncomfortable, it's probably because he knows you are weak and pathetic.  You should consider yourself fortunate that he hasn't killed you by now.  If he wants to come to your dinner event, you would be wise to allow it.

However, if you manage to find some courage, it's time to start planning how you will undermine him and unseat him from his position of power.  That will not be easy, so if you intend to do this, you need to prepare.  First, get some weapons of your own.  Next, you will need to recruit some allies.  The best ways to accomplish this are blackmail, lies, and emotional manipulation.  Soon you will have a small army of followers who will gladly die defending you.  This is when you set your trap.  Welcome him into your home as a friend, wait for him to get comfortable, and wait until his back is turned.  That's when you kill him.  You will have proven your strength to your followers, and to the rest of his family.  They will think twice before opposing you.

Warmest wishes,

Ben Linus




Oh ... kay ... that's all we have room for here.  Thany-you Mr. Linus.  You can go now ... far, far away.  I hope everyone isn't irreparably creeped out right now.  I promise the next guest will be a bit less, um, scary.

Oh, that's weird.  How did that photo get in here?  I ... I think I'll just keep it there.